How am I today?

On that last meme I did, Aunt Jackie posed a question to me regarding my number seven random fact about me. Jackie's comment:

"Regarding #7, sometimes I "nervously" feel I have to speak to people that I encounter in doorways, elevators, etc... Not that I feel overly sour (which I just usually feel somewhat reclusive and forced to be near these people). But I try to be as nice as I can, usually replied by their sour faces and silence.
Rarely, I'll get someone who will say with a smile, "good and you?". Not that it's a bad thing you don't like this, but I'm curious, would you like people to remain silent and not address you? Or just say something else entirely?"



Jackie, I didn't convey exactly where my annoyance comes from when I posted that. It has nothing to do with the people who ask me the question. It's within myself...as I said it is something I have been feeling "lately". There are a lot of things that have been bothering me lately and although I wouldn't exactly say that I am depressed...I have been feeling sad about certain things and frustrated with some other things. So when someone asks me "how are you today?" I think to myself, "oh boy...if you only knew! But of course it is a conversation nicety to ask someone how they are doing. Most of the time I will say, "pretty good and how are you?" Lately though, I feel so fake answering that question. I don't know...maybe I am depressed. Oh, I am not crying my eyes out every day. I slap on my happy face and go to work and do my job and laugh and smile and go through the motions of the day. So in answer to your question Jackie, no I don't mind people asking me the question. I just wish that my smile and reply would match how I am truly feeling inside.

I've been feeling sad about my relationship with my daughter. I feel like the physical distance between us has also caused an emotional distance between us on her part...not mine. When she was still living at home we had our ups and downs but through it all, if anyone were to ask either her or me if we were close, I know that both of us would have answered, absolutely yes!


Something has changed and I don't know why or what has caused it either. She used to share with me about her life and even after she moved away I still felt like I was a part of her life and that I mattered. She still calls me every time she is feeling sick or needing a recipe (although she usually calls my mother :-) for recipes) but she is very vague about her personal life. I feel out of touch with her. It makes me sad. If I ask her questions, sometimes she makes me feel like I am being nosey so I have backed off of even asking the simplest questions. Questions that would be normal to ask in any conversation with a loved one.

Ninety-nine percent of the time when I call her, my calls go to her voice mail. Most of the time when she calls me, she will call me at work when I usually can't talk for long and get interruptions or she'll call me when she is in her car going somewhere or she's in a store and it is just a quick call. A few weeks ago I had been trying for days to reach her. The last time I had talked to her, she wasn't feeling good and was having bad stomach pains. When she didn't return my calls after I would leave messages on her voice mail, I started worrying. After a week of not hearing from her, I was at my wit's end. Finally, she called me at work and that is when I realised just how much I had been worrying. I almost lost my breath when I heard her voice and had to stop myself from crying out of relief. When I told her I had been worrying because I had left several messages and she hadn't called back, she told me that "lots of people" had been leaving her messages and well, she just hadn't gotten around to calling back. When I told my mother about this, Mom said "Well, you aren't just anybody...you are her Mom." That is how I felt too but I didn't tell her that. Mom asked me why didn't I tell her that? I told Mom that I wasn't going to give her a guilt trip. I just felt hurt by her answer though.

A friend and I are always sharing with each other the dreams we have. We love to try to analyze each other's nocturnal dreams. One day my friend asked me, "Cindi do you realize that whenever you dream about your daughter she is either a very little girl most of the time or she is school age?" She is right. I guess maybe it is because I miss those days?

There are other things pressing on my mind these days but this one is the one that is making me a mope around and sigh a lot. I guess I just thought or hoped that my daughter and I would always have the kind of relationship that my mother and I have together. Yes, my mother gets on my nerves sometimes but don't all mothers and daughters drive each other crazy sometimes? With my mother, I am an open book. I tell Mom everything and she does with me too. When we hear or see something that excites us, we can't wait to tell each other about it. If something is bothering either one of us, we go to each other and talk about it and get things off our chests. Yes, sometimes we have differences of opinions but that's okay.

Every once in a blue moon I will get a late night/early morning call from my daughter and we will talk for a long time. She will open up more and we might talk about the most mundane things too. After we are done and I hang up the phone I feel good about the call and a sense of relief. She may never understand why I love those kinds of calls. It makes me feel like I am still part of her life. She may be far from me in distance but she is close to me in my heart.